I edited this post a little. because ok, I did sound a little too harsh. but that does not change how I feel, because what's done is done.

it's like I'm living my life with a selectively permeable membrane in my family.
the rest of my family on one side, and me on the other.

all of them talking happily, jokes and laughter and me, when I did talk to them, 70% anger, irritation etc, 30% neutral.

come to think of it, I really cannot remember the last time I laughed along with them.

damn I'm trying so hard not to type f out.


maybe one day,
I won't be able to take it anymore.

maybe I'll leave home one day.
who knows.

I don't want it to be this way either.

but can't you tell that this is important to me.
guides is way much more important to me, it's what makes me up.
and you expect me to go somewhere at that period of time,
to stone, forced to give a superficial smile, greet your friends because I'm expected to be polite.
and when I'm not, go back to the hotel room and start scolding me over again.
what's the whole point.

why can't you all just leave me alone in singapore for 3 days.
I'll really appreciate that.

what could happen.
for 15 years of my life nothing happened when I'm out in the streets, school, whatever, alone.
for just 3 bloody days, you assume things will happen?

deep down, I know they don't wanna leave me here is cause they're scared of my safety.
but seriously please, give me a little freedom, trust and confidence.

I'm never going to be the perfect daughter they wanted.
they should be happy since they already have my sis.
my sister, the perfect student who's going for overseas education,
who is everything they wanted.
at least much more than I can ever be.

in fact, I can already see where I'm going to be in the future.
in the shadow of my sister, who's career, whatever, anything, is going to be better than mine anyway.

and who would care.
in this cruel real world.

and, I'm proud of myself for not crying.
my dad tells me to go cry cause no one will pity me or something along that line.
know what, I don't want to cry in front of you guys anymore.

because you never understood.
if not, why would you use what I said to hurt me again.

I shall not assume stuff again.
I should have learnt my lesson ages ago.


and in these times of my life, say you'll be there.

I realise, the school can actually be so quiet and empty.

I really like it that way.
when the atmosphere in the canteen's really good for studying (and sleeping).

but oh wells.
didn't study much anyway.

I have no idea why I'm blogging today.
I mean, I just woke up from sleeping on my bio tb.
and I don't know what to blog about because the whole thing's basically crap.

but nvm.

ok, I really don't know how to continue.
my eyes (nose? haha) are closing by itself again.

maybe I'll try sleeping now at 1.
wonderful, the first time I ever did sleep so early.

ok, maybe not.
hmmm.


it's times like these.

there must be something wrong with me.

like, who in the world actually become more slack in the holidays when EOYs are coming in 5 weeks time.

who actually feel like just letting nature takes it course and mug whatever my brain wants me to (or not to mug at all).

what happened to all those planning, study timetables etcetc.

last year (and lastlast year) this time, I already went on hiatus.
stopped blogging until end of EOYs, a month later.

what happened, lh.

where's the mugging spirit I had for about a week previously?
where's the motivation to continue.
where's the energy.

sorry and sorry and sorry.
it's neverending, there's so many people I need to say sorry to.

I don't want to get pissed over small little stuff anymore.
no matter how irritating, how frustrating things can get.

don't worry, I'm perfectly alright tonight.
hopefully.

it's always like that.
self destruction.

no wait, I'm supposed to think with a happy and simple mind.

wouldn't it be nice if the world is elmo.
simple enough?


if tomorrow never comes.

these few days had been such a breeze.

teachers day celebrations was rather disorganised to me.
with a boring concert and some slacking time after that and it's over.

but the dressing up part is cool.

slacking like crazy after that.
the first time I ever slacked without doing anything for so longggg.
and spamming photos after that -.-


I told myself, from today (yesterday) onwards, start mugging.
and so, went out to study.

basically was trying really hard to erm, stop zh from talking about his favourite topic but I think I failed to do so.

new word in my dictionary: smally (adj)
Meaning: to describe something small but just don't seem to sound quite right just using small.

sims2 is fun! played it on phone, and it's really quite interesting. like how it needs its sleep and all.

I realised, time past really very fast. like all of a sudden, 2 hour's gone.

VS Campfire at night.
not bad, but very different from what we usually have.

and I realised (again),
it really feels like the same scenario again. :X

I guess I had a fun day today (:

there's hardly times when I feel like today.
it's the end of school week, lets go out and slack! (:

haha seriously.
very rare.

maybe it's exam time soon.
and I'm having reverse thinkings.

when everyone's starting to study, I'm starting to slack.

it's a wonder how time flies when you're roaming around.
and finding people in the mall.

and toysrus dont change their toys!!!

the reason why I like to go macs is because of the icecream there -.-
and the correct method of eating fries to get the full satisfaction wow.

ok, I'm really bored.
I hope exams and tests and results and grades dont exist.

so I don't need people to constantly and almost always try to get me to motivate myself, and not stress up.

it's really scary.

and sigh.
so near yet so far hmm.
almost, but not yet.
oh no, aren't you sad. ):
sobs. haha!

whenever you remember.

thank God I finally finished my geog paper.

finally.
like, wow.

hope can print now :X

and just to say,
I'm really grateful.
really. thanks alot(:

times change.

Jenn's song got to me too.

and just so happens, coincidentally,
when I was listening to that song,
my sis came, and something happened that set me to tears again.

sorry, I know you care for me.
surprisingly, more than anyone else in the family.
it's not true, I know, but somehow I can only sense yours as the strongest.

but I can't bring myself to be where you want me to be.
I can never be as good a student, a daughter, a person as you can be.
and as I rejected your request once again, I just want to say.

I'm sorry.
really sorry.

and thanks, I know you're trying to help me.
this path, whatever happens, I chose myself.
and I'll face it myself.

and, I'll miss you when you're gone.
because I really don't know how the family is going to be like without you.

lihui
thanks, really.

dhsguides, P4
2C, 3J
child of god


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