I edited this post a little. because ok, I did sound a little too harsh. but that does not change how I feel, because what's done is done.
it's like I'm living my life with a selectively permeable membrane in my family.
the rest of my family on one side, and me on the other.
all of them talking happily, jokes and laughter and me, when I did talk to them, 70% anger, irritation etc, 30% neutral.
come to think of it, I really cannot remember the last time I laughed along with them.
damn I'm trying so hard not to type f out.
maybe one day,
I won't be able to take it anymore.
maybe I'll leave home one day.
who knows.
I don't want it to be this way either.
but can't you tell that this is important to me.
guides is way much more important to me, it's what makes me up.
and you expect me to go somewhere at that period of time,
to stone, forced to give a superficial smile, greet your friends because I'm expected to be polite.
and when I'm not, go back to the hotel room and start scolding me over again.
what's the whole point.
why can't you all just leave me alone in singapore for 3 days.
I'll really appreciate that.
what could happen.
for 15 years of my life nothing happened when I'm out in the streets, school, whatever, alone.
for just 3 bloody days, you assume things will happen?
deep down, I know they don't wanna leave me here is cause they're scared of my safety.
but seriously please, give me a little freedom, trust and confidence.
I'm never going to be the perfect daughter they wanted.
they should be happy since they already have my sis.
my sister, the perfect student who's going for overseas education,
who is everything they wanted.
at least much more than I can ever be.
in fact, I can already see where I'm going to be in the future.
in the shadow of my sister, who's career, whatever, anything, is going to be better than mine anyway.
and who would care.
in this cruel real world.
and, I'm proud of myself for not crying.
my dad tells me to go cry cause no one will pity me or something along that line.
know what, I don't want to cry in front of you guys anymore.
because you never understood.
if not, why would you use what I said to hurt me again.
I shall not assume stuff again.
I should have learnt my lesson ages ago.
and in these times of my life, say you'll be there.